Finding what you lost.

Have you ever had that feeling that you were missing something? I have been having that feeling for a while now. It wasn't constant, it was just every once in a while I would get this feeling that I was forgetting something. I would check my pockets, my purse, I would walk around the house. My keys, cell phone, laptop, homework, husband, children, pets, vehicles were all accounted for. What could it possibly be that I keep thinking that I am forgetting? Why do I keep feeling this fear of missing something crucial? And it really was becoming a fear. Why could I not remember and how important can this thing be?

It was a gradual move. The kind of moving that is so slow, you really don't even notice it. So gradual I hadn't really noticed it until this past week. I mean, I had some ideas that I was in trouble, but not until I heard with my own ears today had I grasped just how far I had gotten. When I did realize it, I looked back and saw that it wasn't just a few inches, but it might as well had been miles, or whole planetary systems of distance. Then a vision popped into my head, a billboard. I am not a big fan of church billboards for a few reasons. Some say cute optimistic things like, "Easter may be over, but we are open all year". However, others make me feel like I have no chance of salvation and we are all going to burn in hell, "God hates liars". Oops, Aaron asked me if I unplugged my curling iron and I said yes when i really don't remember. Shoot!! There's sin # 12 of the day and it's only 9a.m.!! But the billboard that I was thinking of when a little something like, "When you feel that God's far away, remember it wasn't him that moved". Ouch.... Yes. I was in fact solar systems away from God. So I started doing what any lost child does. I cried. Then I thought about how to find that comfort that I remembered having.

I started praying again, because I had to face the fact that I had indeed been the one moving. For a week I turned my radio off on the way to campus. For me this was huge. Having music playing is a near constant environment for me. In the kitchen, while on the computer, doing homework, and absolutely on my drive. Instead I was quiet, and silently in prayer. While I typically loathe silence, the importance of this ability to focus far exceeded my need for background noise. It's been four years, but my family drove to a familiar building, parked in a familiar gravel lot, walked familiar stairs, and Aaron and I sat in familiar pews. Inside I was shaking during the worship when I felt it, my heart swelling with it's own worship. Worship for Christ, and thankfulness for feeling something... finally the Spirit was once again in me. Then I felt some guilt for all that distance that I had created. It wasn't like I intentionally made that distance, but it was there. As I listened to the message that was inspired by the Spirit, I remembered who, or whose I was, and how privileged I was.

I Peter 1:12 It was revealed to them that they were not serving themselves, but you, in these things which now have been announced to you through those who preached the gospel to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven- things into which angels long to look.

I am granted access to my creator through Christ that even angels long to have. Which was funny because even as far as I had moved myself from God, I was still allowed to have that relationship. For the first time in a long time, I felt close to God. I felt him molding my heart once again, and reassuring me that He is steadfast in His promise. Yes, I moved. But if I ever find myself wandering around feeling unworthy of His presence I will just look back on I Peter as remember that the access I am granted is envied even by the amazingly beautiful angelic creations. Thank you Father for your Love, Mercy and infinite patience with your wayward daughter. Your Grace is immense.


Be Blessed!

12 years goes quickly when you're having fun!

Doing what 12 year old boys love to do.