Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur

With so many dates to commemorate and remember it comes as a huge surprise to me that I remember that it was on this very day 14 years ago that a certain handsome gentleman boarded on a plane destined for Asia. That handsome gentleman held my face in his hands before he left and told me that he was going to come back, and make me his, for always.

I drove away finally able to wipe the tears that I allowed myself to shed. We wrote letters that included little notes and promises. We shared our hopes and dreams with pen to paper that crossed oceans to one another. We confessed, professed and allowed our weaknesses to be laid bare in our correspondence. We had to fight battles during our separation. While some were physical, others were emotional. But we held tight to what we mutually knew to be, he was going to keep his promise.

While there will be plenty of time to share other chapters of the story, I had to tell that handsome man that this little lady has no regrets sending her heart with him as he left that Marine Corps base 14 years ago. He has been my ever competent baggage handler, guardian of my heart and confidant. Despite all the odds against us that day, you held true to your word. My gratitude is endless.

The forgotten lesson of the 7 P's

It seems that I have hit that proverbial block wall and I haven't even gotten to the day of the race yet. Just thinking about it makes my stomach churn, palms sweat, eyes twitch and heart pound. I try to reason with my irrational thoughts and feelings of trepidation, but it is so much easier said that done. Today I thought of something I haven't heard in ages. But it slapped me in the face when I remembered. I am going to fail because I forgot the 7 P's. Proper Planning and Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance. I have done it all wrong... I have no doubt that every one of my runner friends will be lecturing me and will no doubt never let me live this down.

I can't even pin point how I got to this place. But I remember saying that I would give running a try, I did some running and did a 10 K and a 5K with ease and loved it. Then my polished, professional runner of a husband said that he would train with me and run the flying pig half marathon. I think my reaction was one of excitement. How utterly unrealistic it seems to me now that I it is a mere 13 days away. My biggest enemy is time. I was trying to find time after work and that worked in my favor until the time change. Going to work and coming home in the dark does not bode well for hitting the pavement. The other issue is our schedule. Aaron works second shift and I work first. So I function as a single parent in the evenings, as he does in the mornings. However he is able to enjoy some running time after he drops the kids off at school. The time change has come and I am faced with storms, after school meltdown and I have been battling migraine headaches. While I love to release stress through a run it is so hard to feel motivated to get out there while there is still day light and you are hungry, not well hydrated enough knowing that your kids are hungry, need help with homework and need advice about navigating friendships and crushes. Aaron and I were doing good about going out for runs together on my days off after the kids went to school. But even then we would have appointments, groceries to buy and a house in dire need of cleaning. So not every Thursday was met with a run.

The last piece to the jenga that is my training collapsing is Aaron's injury. After an errant shampoo bottle incident that left a bruise on his foot he opted to give his all in a half marathon with a goal of sub 2 hours. This meant that he no doubt pushed himself a little harder than he should have and stress fractured the second metatarsal in his foot, thus eliminating him from the flying pig, and the beginning of my anxiety. No seriously, just the thought of running is creating heart palpitations and eye twitching. I never thought that through this whole odyssey that I would not have Aaron by my side, or behind me pushing... Oh let's face it. I was hoping that he would be there to drag me across the finish live.

Now this may come as no surprise to most, but I am a spaz and I have my OCD issues and my anxiety and worry issues. I know I have my little issues that I am working on and I know that some things I just simply have to do so as not to look rude despite the fact that I am shaking on the inside and after it's all over I feel like I am ready to cry. I have to really psych myself up to be in a big group of people. and while my idea of what is "big" has changed thanks to Aaron's exceptionally large family, I have been known to freak out at very large venues if I have no focus other than the big crowd I am surrounded by. 95% of the time Aaron is with me and he is able to take charge and get me through the situation and or let me freak out in private. I will have to endure 13.1 miles of potential irrationalities with out the assistance of my amazingly patient husband. Every time I think that, waves of anxiety and doubt wash over and I am all but drowning in it.

In less than 2 weeks I will have a better idea of what I am made of. I will have a picture of my possible strength, my weaknesses and perhaps I better grasp of my endurance. 13.2 didn't sound like a lot when I imagined running through the streets of Cincinnati with my husband who has run this course several times over, being my coach and confidence on the course. If I make it, I may just have to get 7 P's tattoo'd on me to remind me that I need to always be prepared for that which I don't expect. I'm not a big fan of looking back, as it hinders forward progress. But today I must stop, look back and assess just how far I have come. While the majority of it has been holding the hand of my husband. There have been moments on that journey that I had to make alone. Sunday, May 1st I am going to attempt to go 13.1 miles solo.