Why I am a submissive wife.

Ohhhh... Submission the most hated word when a bunch of married women gather. I have heard horror stories from women who had experiences with men who read Ephesians 5:22 but failed to read much prior or after that verse. All they see is "Wives submit yourself to your own husbands" and run with it. "Woman, the bible says your must submit!". That's effective, isn't it?


Ephesians 5:21-33
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.


Merriam-Webster defines submission as:

SUB*MIS*SION:
1 a : a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators
b : an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection);
also something submitted (as a manuscript)
2 : the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant
3 : an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

I always thought a submissive wife was more definition 3. I wanted to be the anti definition 3. Why couldn't it look more like definition 2. That sounded reasonable. I have always favored the word: complaint.

Many times throughout my marriage I have heard and read Ephesians 5:21-33. As a newlywed that passage struck fear in my heart and my palms would sweat and I would look at my husband and think that to myself, “That’ll be the day.” Most of this attitude was born from my upbringing and previous negative experiences which looked a lot like definition 3, control. There was no way I was going to let any man control me, own me, or think that I was his property and he could boss me around. Uh uh. I was young and naive and thought that I always needed to be prepared in the event that my husband would finally wake up and decide that it was his time to turn cave man and start wielding his power or realize that being married was too constricting and then leave.

Now keep in mind that at no point did my husband do anything to deserve these assumptions. I just expected that all men behave as such and I was waiting for him to receive his invitation to the “He Man Woman Haters Club”, then he would arrive home from work one day and say, “Woman, I heard you’re supposed to submit, so get to submitting.” My husband has the patience and restraint of a saint. I have no doubt that there have been many occasions where he probably thought of dragging me back to our cave and reprimanding me over bad choices or behavior. Instead he showed me grace and love. He has let me have my moments of defeat and helped put me back together when I needed it most. My husband functioned like definition 2. *Light bulb moment*

I read the scripture again about a month ago and realized, dang he’s good. I’ve been a submissive wife for most of our marriage. How could this be!? Definition 2! Through his example of following the scriptural model for being a husband and a father. At no point in our nearly 13 years of marriage has he given me a reason to not submit to him. He has proven to me that he would sacrifice all to support me and our children. He gave up the career path that he had set for himself before we even married because he wanted me more than that career that would have placed huge barriers before us. I didn’t ask him to do that, but that act showed me that he was placing me before even himself.

So I dug a little deeper into what the Apostle Paul had to say about marriage and women. I was a little smug before I started thinking that Paul was not married, so how should he know what my husband should expect from me? Fear not women libbers, despite what some may mis-interpret, Paul had our backs. Paul never states that men are better than women, or that men are smarter or more apt leaders. He does say that men are physically stronger. I know, I know that sounds bad but come on. I have met a few pickle jars in my day that I really needed a man to help me out with. On the other hand, I will point out that women are more apt to handling certain things, like pain. Any wife/mother can agree that they can be battling pneumonia and still manage a household. Their husband gets the common cold and you would think that an admission to Hospice is the next step. Where men have us in brawn, we make up for in endurance. =)

Paul makes very clear that women are equal heirs to the freedom and salvation through Christ and that men should treat them as such. Thankfully Paul does not instruct the husbands to force their wives to be submissive. Rather he says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. And wives submit to husbands as you would submit to Christ. Um, WoW! It took me a while to wrap my head around that one too. This is where the definition came in handy. Definition 2, rather than definition 3. We are called to love and serve Christ as humble servants out of adoration. Not out of bending to his force and control over us commanding that we love and serve him. We are free to accept and once we do we love and serve out of that love and acceptance. Our submission is an act of love and adoration and knowing that the Holy Spirit will lead us through Gods sovereign plan. This is how God wants my marriage to be. I see far too many marriages where there is a power struggle. Each partner vying for control. It sounds exhausting and oppressive and oddly familiar. At some point I do believe that I have, and at times may still get the thought that I know what’s needed and I’m going to take the reigns. It almost always, Ok always never ends up good. I've learned that submission take work, letting go is hard when it is not in your nature to do so.

My husband has shown me that he has, does and always will live his life with God at the center. He will in turn follow God’s model of a husband and father. He will love me as Christ loved the church. That is to say, that he has accepted God’s assignment to be my husband and that is a lot of work as it requires a distribution of function, rather than a hierarchy of power or dominance. (Remember, Paul said we are equal). However, God has assigned my husband with the financial, moral, spiritual, social and physical responsibility of marriage and our household. Yikes, that’s heavy and it most certainly deserves my respect.

Now the follow through is that my husband is to love me. I know it sounds easy, or maybe not. I have been known to be difficult a time or two... But I know that he loves me. How do I know? Well, he tells me from time to time all the things he loves about me. But I also know that he loves me in a deeper way, as Christ loves the church. He shows me through his guidance of our family, in providing for us, by acts of service to me and to our children, and through his agape love. He loves us as fellow heirs to the kingdom. And finally, he would sacrifice himself if need be for me. Yes, that is deep. This Christ like love is not just feeling, it is more a doing kind of love. At no point do I recall my husband turning to me and asking, “What’s in it for me?” He has always gone to action and done what’s needed to be done for our family and it has always brought about blessings. More often than not I find my husband has done the laundry, has cleaned our kitchen, made meals and taken care of things so I don't have to worry about it. Most mornings he brings me coffee in bed, and I get nightly back rubs. He takes very very good care of me. Why would I not want to submit to my husband knowing that he in turn has submitted to me and is willing to take the responsibility of our household and serve us as Christ is a servant leader of the church? My job sounds easy!!

Now, I’m NOT going to start wearing pearls and calling my husband “Master” or “Lord”, I would laugh if ever requested it. I know that we still function as equals in many aspects of our marriage, he does not expect me to bear the brunt of our household, or child rearing. But I am going to be more mindful of his position, the expectations that are upon him and respect that he is being guided through prayer for what is best in our lives. I will proudly walk in the freedom of knowing that through this I will continue to receive blessings and in turn serve my husband with love for all that he does. There is freedom in submission, in letting go of pride and letting others love you the way they are commanded to. What a blessing to see that God can be the center of our lives, our marriage and our family.

The Legacy of what remains

Leg-a-cy Noun

plural leg·a·cies

Definition of LEGACY
1
: a gift by will especially of money or other personal property : bequest
2
: something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past "the legacy of the ancient philosophers".


In moments of reflection it came to my memory my last visit to California. It has been 9 years this week since I was last home. My reasons for going were to support my family with the loss of my Grandmother over the Memorial Day weekend. I thought of my relationship with my grandmother. How strained it was at times, how so much of it was a a reflection of her own difficult upbringing. I thought with regret how little time my children had with her before her passing. Despite how much we struggled to have a relationship I still loved her and respected who she was in my life. My thoughts moved to a book that my mother in law created from memories of her mothers life. Once the book was published, a copy of it was then given to each of her daughters, and grandchildren. A copy was ordered for each of my children as well. I find comfort in the fact that even at my kids young ages, the pages of that book will hopefully bring back memories of her presence in their lives. My husband's grandmother was an incredible force that has had impact on the lives of countless people. I thought of the legacy of lessons that each of these women have handed to my husband and I through their lives, their experiences and their examples. How much of that legacy influenced our actions today, how much of that legacy did I want to be handed down to my own children as they are growing into their own people.

Aaron's Grandmother grew up in a large family filled with love and faith. She carried this into the home she established with Aaron's Grandfather. When I married Aaron I was brought into a family that always had their arms extended to give hugs, they are always ready to encourage and always ready to feed you. They send notes and sincerely want to know how you are. Even Aaron's aunts send our kids valentines cards and little notes, gifts and trinkets on their birthdays. I would receive a birthday card from Aaron's Grandparents and I don't know that they ever understood the impact of that. Every year the card was for a grand daughter, not grand daughter in law, or our grandsons wife. No, they would go to the section of birthday cards for a grand daughter. It wasn't until I married Aaron did I actually appreciate the joy of celebrating birthdays. Many things in my house are little trinkets that were created by Grandma Leah. I have a notes and cards that she had sent, little bits of encouragement she sent, thank you's for visits letting us know how much she enjoyed watching us raise our children. I felt honored and overjoyed to name my youngest Annika Leah after both Aaron's grandmother, Leah and his mom as her middle name is Leah as well. I even created a trinket for Grandma Leah. I made a mini brag book for her when I was in my hay day of scrap booking. After she passed Aaron's grandfather found it in her purse and I was honored that he wanted to see it returned to me. I never doubted that a day did not pass that she wasn't in prayer for us and each and every member of her family. She blessed so many, and I have no doubt that she received many blessings in return.

I felt that the blessing of having Leah call me her grand daughter meant that I in turn had her as a grandmother. That gift will remain with me all of my days. While I had a grandmother of my own, our relationship was quite different than what I had with Leah. My grandmother lost her mom while she was still yet a child. She tried to take care of her siblings when her father was unable to. Yet the state thought otherwise and had them separated into foster homes. She was considered too old for placement so she bounced around until she was 18 and released on her own. She married my grandfather while he was still in the Navy and they raised 2 children. My grandparents were old school and they never talked about their childhoods. They were stern, had high expectations and made it clear that children were seen and not heard. I'm sure it was hard on them since they felt that by taking care of their family they were showing their love. They were always willing to help their kids after they made a mistake. My mom would come back home after a failed marriage and twice brought a child back home as a result of it. They raised my sister and I'm sure that 15 years later when my mom returned with me they were just exhausted. I remember many a trips to the grocery store or the salon with my grandmother. She had to feed me breakfast (A bowl of All Bran) before I went to school. She had to pick me up after school, and all of the countless times they had to pick me up from school when I was sick.

It wasn't until I met Aaron's family that I came to realize that I had never been hugged so much in my life, literally! I found it difficult to accept so much verbal love, encouragement and hugs as it wasn't common everyday practice in my family. There would be no condescending remarks, judgmental statements, or stare downs. To his family I was not a living breathing example of my mom's spontaneous behavior that they would have to once again take care of. As my Grandmother's health declined and the Alzheimer's progressed she seemed to be more free than I every remembered. We would talk on the phone and she would tell me that I sounded good, I must have blushed because I never remembering her compliment me before. But she would go further... She told me that she was proud of me and during one of our last conversations she told me that she loved me. I remember her telling me that once before. I was in the ICU at Loma Linda University Medical Center after the car accident and they had rushed in to see us. I remember her holding my hand after being told of my injuries and my impending surgeries. I remember her holding my had and telling me that she loved me, and she called me dog. (Now this is going to sound terrible, but she called all children dog. It sounds condescending, but it was just a pet name, no pun intended. like "dear" or "sweetie". I don't know why "dog" but it was endearing to me at the time). Looking back I can see that she loved me, despite the fact that I was yet another example of my moms behavior.

I know growing up I thought she hated me, but when I thought hard enough I remember times where she showed me otherwise. I remember stove top jiffy pop popcorn being a nightly treat when the dodgers were playing. My grandfather would make it and I would be allowed an extra half hour before bed to watch another inning. I remember sitting next to her and reading little golden books to her while I was yet to start kindergarden. She told me that I must have been the smartest person in our family to be able to read before I started school. I remember her and my grandfather drawing me pictures so that I could use colored pencils to color them with. I remember her putting black olives on my plate and telling me to count them to make sure I had 5 since I liked to put them on my finger tips before I would eat them. It was probably so I wouldn't put my grubby fingers in the jar, but I like to think that it was an act of love. Treats weren't really in their home, diet soda was a treat, but we had regular home cooked meals that involved meat, potatoes, a vegetable and a slice of bread with butter. She loved us and made sure we all ate a healthy diet. And finally in the final months of her life, I'd like to think that in the midst of the Alzheimer's she felt free to confess that she loved me and that she was proud of me and that came from her heart. I wish I was as brave as she was. I'd like to tell her that I am proud of what she did with what life handed her. That I think she did the best she could, and that I love her for showing me what she able to. I wish I was braver when I was little to run up to her and hug her more. I'm sure she needed it.

Now I am faced with the task of raising 4 very unique people. Some of their actions and attitudes remind me of both of these grandmothers. Annika is always creating trinkets and leaving notes for people. Madison has a very nurturing nature and is always willing to take care of what ever or whomever. All four of them have a desire to explore their faith, and deepen that connection with Christ and learn more of how to live and walk as children of God. I am trying to find a balance of telling and showing them how much I love them and how proud I am of their accomplishments. I want them to have the freedom to discover who they are, I want to help them when they stumble, and I want them to always know that I am willing to hug them when they need it. Luckily for me they know when I need a hug and are more than willing to grab me and tell me that they love me too.

I hope that Aaron and I are able to take the good from our experiences, learn from the bad and filter them into a legacy that we can hand down.