Why I am a submissive wife.

Ohhhh... Submission the most hated word when a bunch of married women gather. I have heard horror stories from women who had experiences with men who read Ephesians 5:22 but failed to read much prior or after that verse. All they see is "Wives submit yourself to your own husbands" and run with it. "Woman, the bible says your must submit!". That's effective, isn't it?


Ephesians 5:21-33
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.


Merriam-Webster defines submission as:

SUB*MIS*SION:
1 a : a legal agreement to submit to the decision of arbitrators
b : an act of submitting something (as for consideration or inspection);
also something submitted (as a manuscript)
2 : the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant
3 : an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

I always thought a submissive wife was more definition 3. I wanted to be the anti definition 3. Why couldn't it look more like definition 2. That sounded reasonable. I have always favored the word: complaint.

Many times throughout my marriage I have heard and read Ephesians 5:21-33. As a newlywed that passage struck fear in my heart and my palms would sweat and I would look at my husband and think that to myself, “That’ll be the day.” Most of this attitude was born from my upbringing and previous negative experiences which looked a lot like definition 3, control. There was no way I was going to let any man control me, own me, or think that I was his property and he could boss me around. Uh uh. I was young and naive and thought that I always needed to be prepared in the event that my husband would finally wake up and decide that it was his time to turn cave man and start wielding his power or realize that being married was too constricting and then leave.

Now keep in mind that at no point did my husband do anything to deserve these assumptions. I just expected that all men behave as such and I was waiting for him to receive his invitation to the “He Man Woman Haters Club”, then he would arrive home from work one day and say, “Woman, I heard you’re supposed to submit, so get to submitting.” My husband has the patience and restraint of a saint. I have no doubt that there have been many occasions where he probably thought of dragging me back to our cave and reprimanding me over bad choices or behavior. Instead he showed me grace and love. He has let me have my moments of defeat and helped put me back together when I needed it most. My husband functioned like definition 2. *Light bulb moment*

I read the scripture again about a month ago and realized, dang he’s good. I’ve been a submissive wife for most of our marriage. How could this be!? Definition 2! Through his example of following the scriptural model for being a husband and a father. At no point in our nearly 13 years of marriage has he given me a reason to not submit to him. He has proven to me that he would sacrifice all to support me and our children. He gave up the career path that he had set for himself before we even married because he wanted me more than that career that would have placed huge barriers before us. I didn’t ask him to do that, but that act showed me that he was placing me before even himself.

So I dug a little deeper into what the Apostle Paul had to say about marriage and women. I was a little smug before I started thinking that Paul was not married, so how should he know what my husband should expect from me? Fear not women libbers, despite what some may mis-interpret, Paul had our backs. Paul never states that men are better than women, or that men are smarter or more apt leaders. He does say that men are physically stronger. I know, I know that sounds bad but come on. I have met a few pickle jars in my day that I really needed a man to help me out with. On the other hand, I will point out that women are more apt to handling certain things, like pain. Any wife/mother can agree that they can be battling pneumonia and still manage a household. Their husband gets the common cold and you would think that an admission to Hospice is the next step. Where men have us in brawn, we make up for in endurance. =)

Paul makes very clear that women are equal heirs to the freedom and salvation through Christ and that men should treat them as such. Thankfully Paul does not instruct the husbands to force their wives to be submissive. Rather he says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. And wives submit to husbands as you would submit to Christ. Um, WoW! It took me a while to wrap my head around that one too. This is where the definition came in handy. Definition 2, rather than definition 3. We are called to love and serve Christ as humble servants out of adoration. Not out of bending to his force and control over us commanding that we love and serve him. We are free to accept and once we do we love and serve out of that love and acceptance. Our submission is an act of love and adoration and knowing that the Holy Spirit will lead us through Gods sovereign plan. This is how God wants my marriage to be. I see far too many marriages where there is a power struggle. Each partner vying for control. It sounds exhausting and oppressive and oddly familiar. At some point I do believe that I have, and at times may still get the thought that I know what’s needed and I’m going to take the reigns. It almost always, Ok always never ends up good. I've learned that submission take work, letting go is hard when it is not in your nature to do so.

My husband has shown me that he has, does and always will live his life with God at the center. He will in turn follow God’s model of a husband and father. He will love me as Christ loved the church. That is to say, that he has accepted God’s assignment to be my husband and that is a lot of work as it requires a distribution of function, rather than a hierarchy of power or dominance. (Remember, Paul said we are equal). However, God has assigned my husband with the financial, moral, spiritual, social and physical responsibility of marriage and our household. Yikes, that’s heavy and it most certainly deserves my respect.

Now the follow through is that my husband is to love me. I know it sounds easy, or maybe not. I have been known to be difficult a time or two... But I know that he loves me. How do I know? Well, he tells me from time to time all the things he loves about me. But I also know that he loves me in a deeper way, as Christ loves the church. He shows me through his guidance of our family, in providing for us, by acts of service to me and to our children, and through his agape love. He loves us as fellow heirs to the kingdom. And finally, he would sacrifice himself if need be for me. Yes, that is deep. This Christ like love is not just feeling, it is more a doing kind of love. At no point do I recall my husband turning to me and asking, “What’s in it for me?” He has always gone to action and done what’s needed to be done for our family and it has always brought about blessings. More often than not I find my husband has done the laundry, has cleaned our kitchen, made meals and taken care of things so I don't have to worry about it. Most mornings he brings me coffee in bed, and I get nightly back rubs. He takes very very good care of me. Why would I not want to submit to my husband knowing that he in turn has submitted to me and is willing to take the responsibility of our household and serve us as Christ is a servant leader of the church? My job sounds easy!!

Now, I’m NOT going to start wearing pearls and calling my husband “Master” or “Lord”, I would laugh if ever requested it. I know that we still function as equals in many aspects of our marriage, he does not expect me to bear the brunt of our household, or child rearing. But I am going to be more mindful of his position, the expectations that are upon him and respect that he is being guided through prayer for what is best in our lives. I will proudly walk in the freedom of knowing that through this I will continue to receive blessings and in turn serve my husband with love for all that he does. There is freedom in submission, in letting go of pride and letting others love you the way they are commanded to. What a blessing to see that God can be the center of our lives, our marriage and our family.