“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.” -James Thurber

There are moments when you hear someone speaking to an audience, yet they are speaking directly at you. It may not be the very words that they are saying, but there is something in the message that gets into your soul and shakes you. There is something about a sentence, or a phrase that they speak that makes your thoughts go in another direction. Perhaps I am the only one? Somehow I don’t think that is the case. This morning I was listening to our pastor give a very powerful message and my mind wandered a little bit. I know he was getting into my kitchen, so to speak. One of those messages that gets very personal and makes you uncomfortable. Those messages make you think and make you see truths about yourself, your path, your actions, inactions, and your choices of where you are heading. You are faced with the good and the bad.

The truth is, I am angry. I have been angry for about two months now, and it has only risen on a near daily basis as circumstances continue to spiral even higher and more out of control. I can pin point the day that it seemed as though the final piece to a puzzle revealed itself to bring about completion to what I had been praying for God to allow us to have for years. Yet it seems as though with the introduction of that piece, many of the others were damaged and destroyed leaving my picture of perfection incomplete.

The church home and spiritual growth that I had craved and prayed for God to provide to our family completed it all for me. I was ready to jump in with both feet. I wanted to grab onto the teaching, vision and community with both hands. I could see my entire family once again being sharpened, on its way to becoming instruments to be used by God for his people. I should have seen it. After having been in the same spot of spiritual excitement, I should have known that it was coming… The storm. You can’t have all the pieces. I have witnessed spiritual warfare, and I know that there are forces who will seek, kill and destroy those who working towards God's will. The storm I have encountered this past year has had far reaching and damaging ripples, has stifled my ability to effectively serve the way I am accustom to, the way I desire to, and the way I feel called to. I have felt under attack, undermined and I will admit at times abandoned by God.

While much has been given, I can’t help but feel that so much has been taken away, so much, so quickly that I had to pause to see what was actually left. I can remember times in my life that were dark, scary, twisty and ugly yet God gave me amazing gifts that offered me hope and light. Out of what remains my most darkest and ugliest experience, He offered me what I considered to still be the most precious gift. A gift I still treasure and am determined to return to Him in eternal perfection. However, through this, I am left wondering where He is right now as I see so much vanishing, leaving me confused and scared. Where is His hedge of protection? Or is He allowing this test? What am I to take away from this? What purpose do this have on eternity? I have experienced moments that I fail to find words to describe. Moments that I would not believe, had I not been present to be in the midst of them. Moments that I never would have been able to create in my vivid far fetched, and at times irrational imagination. Moments that wake me in the middle of the night. They have tested my resolve, my faith, my confidence in myself, and my ability to recognize what is normal, and make me question if I will ever achieve any resemblance of it again. They have brought about feelings of fear, jealousy, guilt, inadequacy, denial and anger.

Yet here I sit, holding on to hope. I confessed, like a scared child to my mother in law that I was angry with God. She said that she was glad. Yes, glad. Being angry with God meant that I still believed that He was there. When I quit believing, then she was going to worry. She then reminded me that He is a big God and He can handle my anger. I hope that is the case, I have quite a large quantity of it as of late. No matter how hard I try to be still, be quite and listen, I can’t hear Him... yet. But I haven’t lost hope that He is there. I am still holding onto promises kept, with clenched fists and desperation. I am anxiously anticipating the revelation of His promises through this. After all, a God of love would not let all this be for nothing.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.