Like a ton of bricks

Gravity. Flattered. Pressure. Fear. Comfort. Sinking. Anticipation. Overwhelmed. Love. Anger. Gratitude. Numb. Nostalgia. Sorrow. Joy. Guilt. Heartache. Redemption.

All words that describe and define moments of this past week.

Navigating this journey of life and being an adult is trying at times. I have had the oppressive desire to shut out the world around me and just retreat. Sleep, read, and ignore the obligations I have to others, and truthfully be selfish. I want so badly to throw myself a pity party and wallow in my selfishness. But where would that get me? Certainly not forward, where I so desperately want to be.

I am an adult. As hard as it is for me to believe, for it seems like just yesterday I was in fact a selfish teenager. I have to experience adult experiences. Raising children who become teenagers with their own personalities. I have to discipline, and teach these human beings and hope that I don’t absolutely screw them up. I have a mortgage, and insurance, and a credit score. I have had to make funeral arrangements for my mother. Make difficult decisions for elderly family members. Watch people I love struggle with cancer, lose, suicide. I am going to learn the experience of caring for an adult parent. My childhood friend had to make the difficult decision to let her husband go last night after all medical options were exhausted and his body could not sustain him any longer. Long gone are the days of being care free and knowing that my only worry is homework and filling my weekend calendar with complete debauchery. I am not my only concern. This is real. The joy and heartache of the journey.

While I have been lost in the midst of chaos, I have been blessed with moments. Simple moments that have given me joy and a sense of love and gratitude. Moments where my husband allows me to cry into the hours of the night. Moments where friends send me quick messages of encouragement. Using a blend of words that bring tears to my eyes and thankfulness to my heart for their presence in my life. Messages of funny, quirkiness that make me smile. I find myself overwhelmed that a picture or phrase made little me come to ones mind. Then they took the time to share that thought with me. I received the most random message late last night. A person I went to school with, but never had the opportunity to know personally sent me a message. It was simply that they had seen pictures and heard stories of me through the years from mutual friends. They gave me some of the most incredible compliments and thought I would like to know. I was completely overwhelmed with flattery and then guilt. How often have I had the opportunity to do the same for others? More than I can count. How often have I taken advantage of that opportunity and expressed encouragement and compliments? Nearly never.

Yes I am traveling a rough road. But it not a path that has never been travelled. Many have traveled this road. And I have no doubt that I am not alone. For many have made it aware to me that they are with me, willing to carry me even should I stumble, or feel the need to fall apart. Am I extending the same? I don’t think I am. Not well enough. I may not know the extend of the weight of the burdens that one who is traveling along side is carrying. But there is no reason I can find to not offer the same love, words, thoughts, prayers and encouragement that I have been so abundantly given. I do not need to have experienced the same grief, sorrow, lose, or pain to know that others need those vital things. No longer will I take for granted those who love me. No longer will I assume that there are others doing the same in kind for them as they are doing for me.


I feel the challenge to be more aware, more willing, and be more present. I can move forward on this journey with others. There is nothing stopping me. What is stopping you?