Dancing through the stages

In my college career I took a series of social work classes, as well as a series of psychology courses to complete my degree. I studied how to assist others who are in the midst of crisis, I studies the varies phases of psychological development through each stage of life, as well as the various stages and reactions to grief. Through my experiences in my various jobs I have become quite a realist. I try not to react until all the facts are in, because things can change from day to day. What was thought to be one day, could very well be something in the opposite direction the next. What I wasn’t expecting was to find myself in near complete denial of the facts that have been proven to be a reality. I have been hoping for things to do a 180 when my knowledge knows for a fact that it will not. My hope seems to be at odds with my intellect. I have know been faced with having to accept the facts of what is, rather than what I want it to be. It is now time to expect the best, but prepare for the worst.

What my intellect is telling me is that there are 5 stages, which I never expected that I would have to dance through. I have always been one to accept circumstances, no matter how ugly for what is was. Things are the way they are and I can only accept them. My reaction determines their validity and furthermore their control in my life. I have always leaned towards trying to only see the black and white of the major events to gage my reaction and actions. What I have never been good with is the gray, the unknown. The gray is my biggest fear and I am currently in a vast sea of it. What I thought to be in the long term, is suddenly becoming a short term reality. I'm losing precious time, and I don’t like feeling rushed. Being rushed makes me anxious, I make poor choices and my emotions tend to lack intellectual thought to be appropriate for the situation at hand. Example: We took the kids to BW3’s and received horrible service. We waited nearly 15 minutes to order our food, and once it arrived it was wrong. I knew better of myself to say anything at all, so instead I kept my head down and let Aaron handle it. I knew that if I were to speak I would unleash my anger at all my current circumstances on a waitress who could only say, “I’m not on my game tonight.” I was wrestling with looking at her one of two ways. First: I’ve been curled up in my bed all day struggling with life’s ugly curveballs. I got dressed to come out and enjoy my family and I’m paying for service and food that should be on its game. That should be more than enough to make it right. Second: I’m in the middle of chaos, she could very well be in the middle of her own chaos as well. I should cut her some slack. It may have taken me two days to reach that conclusion, but I’d like to think I chose the wiser option by keeping my head down. Sigh.

As I continue my dance through the stages to hopefully reach acceptance I am going to try to maintain my optimistic approach I’ve learned from my amazing husband. I am going to continue to fight my pessimistic nature that I grew up with because I know it really does not promote forward momentum. My pessimism loves to keep me in place, and often it finds enjoyment knocking me back a few feet as well. My God is amazing, and capable of holding me through this, just as he has through my previous trials. When my grace was not efficient enough, he clothed me in his. When I could not find a way out, he poured his mercy over me. I am holding with both hands onto his promise to see me through. May his holy spirit speak and move through me as I journey through this passage.